You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I think I have vodka in my lungs
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
