Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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