Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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