my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
