Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
