My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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