I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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