is your mom at the bar?
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
