I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Randomize
