Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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