Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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