i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
