So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
