Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
