I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
