He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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