yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
