i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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