i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
