from now on my penis is your penis
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Randomize
