I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
