Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
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