Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Even my vagina gasped.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
