Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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