Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
