cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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