smell my finger.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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