1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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