I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
