I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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