my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
