Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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