Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
