3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
