You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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