Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
"it" just moved
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
