seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
