At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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