guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
