i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
