You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
