Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
