never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Randomize
