She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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