I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Randomize
