I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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