So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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