i already hear my dad disowning me
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
