Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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