The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
