Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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