just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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