I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
