3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Randomize
