In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
